got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
