She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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