No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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