dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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