Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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