I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
