I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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