PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
