Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
