I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
