she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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