It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
