My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
