Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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