could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
