Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
