Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
