I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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