a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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