Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
