I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
