I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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