My nipple is on Facebook.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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