Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
