I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
