Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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