I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
