The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
