I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
