I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This baby is an asshole
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
