remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
