im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
we're so committed to being not committed
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
