i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
