I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
