She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
