Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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