I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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