Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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