I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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