No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So much Jack, so little girl.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
