Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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