PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
