They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
