Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
