I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
