I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
