I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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