if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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