i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
