can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
