The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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