I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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