PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
