Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
