I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
